Daft Things

What daft things have you, or someone you know, done during your lifetimes.

I've done and seen many, but I'll just start off with this one:

In 1973, my husband and I got ready to go to a Mess Dinner in, what was then, 6th Armoured Brigade. The dress code for the ladies was long, and for the men it was Mess uniform. I got togged up in a lovely long pale green dress, hair done, make up perfect with silver accessories.

However, when we got to the barracks, about a mile away from where we lived, it had been snowing heavily and my husband parked the car and he got out and came to my side to open my door for me, but I couldn’t get out. Problem was, I said to him: “Can we go back home please?” He said: “Why, what’s up?” So I told him to look at my feet. Instead of wearing my lovely silver high heeled sandals, I’d come out wearing my big fluffy orange slippers, hardly compatible with the dress code, or the snow! He howled laughing, ran us back home for me to change into more suitable footwear!

mollie,

I had a similar, if rather bizarre experience.

It was in the 1970's. I had been invited to a New Years Eve costume party thrown by a rather famous female impersonator. A friend who was a beautician persuaded me, with her help, to attempt to upstage him by 'making an entrance' as Madame Butterfly, with the full musical accompaniment.

I'll skip the costume detail, save that my hair put up, and a squished up wig on top, to look like a Japanese double bun, and concealing between them the hidden tape recorder for my entrance music. The wooden knitting needles, acting as Japanese hair pins controlling the recorder.

All was well until a traffic accident brought the journey to a halt. When the policeman knocked on the side window to tell me I had to reverse out of the one way street, he got a blast of 'Un bel dì' as I turned my head and the needle activated the recorder having brushed the car headlining. Anyway, he jumped in and reversed the car for me.

The cars moved to the police car park, and all us drivers to police canteen to enjoy their hospitality until street was cleared.

Then, I became aware that I was the last driver remaining, all the rest had been reunited with their cars.

Should I be worried? It is not illegal to go about dressed as Madam Butterfly. Are they going to say I had compromised my ability to be in control of the vehicle with pins catching the headlining?....

I need not have worried. It soon became apparent they had not detained me for such reasons, but they were waiting to finish their shift, and come to the party!

They persuaded me to leave my car, so I could have a drink. Gave me the keys so that I could collect it at my convenience, and they would drive me to the party.


So, I arrived at said party in a police car, and the snow round about was now a couple of feet deep.

On my feet was a hastily constructed DIY lookalike of these:


They would have fallen apart in the snow.

So, I made my entrance, accompanied by the music, and carried in by four policemen!

I did tell some of the party goers to be careful with the cannabis, that they were real policemen. I do not think anyone believed me, but they were good sports and did not create any problem for anyone. One of them became a close personal friend for some years thereafter.

That was funny, Ena. I could picture it in my mind.

I have a few more funny/daft things, but I'll wait a bit before committing, and see who else admits to doing summat daft.

At the age of about 18 I was trying to impress a rather nice looking girl friend of mine and I took her out on a date to the Hinds head in Wrightington, All was going swimming well. She was very chatty and seeming having a good time and enjoying the food and my company, We decided to have a sweet/desert and that was my downfall, After enjoying the sweet it was sooo good that, I picked up the dish and licked the plate, I could instantly tell by her body language that , I'd done summut wrong and that was the end of that night and the end of that relationship,

When I was a young teenager I was walking with a group down Victoria Road Garswood when it was a dirt track with a dirt footpath and no lights, I decided to run ahead and jump into the long grass to frighten everyone. I ended up getting tangled in barbed wire and still have some scars today. The daft thing is I had walked along the track during the day many times and knew about the barbed wire You live and learn sometimes the hard way

On a weekend "railways" break a few years ago, I was staying in a hotel close to Haymarket station in Edinburgh. Saturday morning I decided to spend to day based in Glasgow. After a leisurely breakfast I strolled to the station and caught the Glasgow train. After a few moments I happened to look down and saw I was still wearing my bedroom slippers with no socks!!!

Another footwear one from the seventies.

Myself and my then girlfriend had developed a weird way of communicating.

We did not pay the bill: we paid the 'duck with a hat on'.
Arriving home after arduous day's work, we did not slip into our slippers: we put on our lesbians. (comfortable shoes)

You get it, punchlines of jokes and similar stood in for what we meant.

It had already caused a misunderstanding, A couple with whom we socialised a lot let it be known that they were peeved we never invited them along to this nightclub to which we disappeared. HA HA, no. Sir Lancelot's = an early night!

One day, she had phoned me at work, and I did not take the call on my phone, but in the reception/secretaries office with lots of other's milling around.

I said to her, "I am, more or less coming straight home, but I am going to stop off briefly in the city centre to pick up a pair of lesbians, would you like me to pick up a pair for you whilst I am at it"?

And of course on finishing the call, I saw everyone was staring at me with a rather shocked expression!

I did not know that I blushed, but was told that on this occasion I did.

Tha's puddle't

Mollie...I certainly have many daft tales from my Navy /Poleece days..I will have to figure out how to clean them up a bit...and not name the guilty parties...we could have been sacked 10 times over....let me ponder for a while.

^^
There speaks a person who was paid out of tax payers money and expected to uphold the law and defend us

Back on topic.
Ive seen a few daft things in my life

Some comical and some unfortunate tales here, but Tom, you ought to have known better!

I've loved your stories, so more please. My next daft thing was this:

Many years ago, about 35 in fact, I'd nipped to the mini supermarket in Pemberton for my mum, which is now Tesco Express.

I was gathering things from the list she'd given me, but I was picking out a few things of my own as well, when all of a sudden, I spotted something at the bottom of one of the deep freezers, and there was only one left, right at the bottom. I can't even remember what it was now, but it had to be mine.

Anyway, I started to lean into the big deep freezer except that, being just 5ft tall, I hadn't realised the danger of what I was doing. I leaned in further, and further, short arms stretching to capacity to reach my goal then suddenly, I went in, yed first.

Well, with little legs kicking away to try to get out, and me face frozzent and turning blue, some kind young gentleman saw my plight, grabbed hold of my legs, and hauled me out, but I managed to grab me prize!

So, if you were that young gentleman in Pemberton on that near fateful day 35 years ago, I thank you.

in my defence of my former ' daft thing' I offer my mitigating circumstances which are, My upbringing , As mentioned in previous posts, I was brought up by the nuns at Skool and they would insist that we ate every morsel of food on our plate and, in some way this helped the starving black children in Africa so, no apologies there,
My next Daft thing was a painful one, We were motor biking in Carlisle in the late sixties, about 8 bikes just cruising round the rural lanes and coming into Brampton, A small village there was a gang of ' cromby wearing ' mods watching as we gunned our British bikes up the high street, My nickname at the time was, Sparks Malone because I would drop my bike on a tight corner and the side stand would touch the ground and cause sparks to fly, Especially affective at night but, on this day I over cooked it, the side stand dug into the tarmac and i flew head over arse into a hedge, All the cromby wearing mods laughed and I regained my posture and climbed back on my bike and kept a smile to say, I was't hurt but, I suffered gravel rash and embarrassment, The other bikers looked concerned at the time but, in the boozer later on, We all laughed about it,,

Sparks Malone

Whilst stationed at Lower Ince ... About 1987...a newly qualified Van and Panda driver...I couldn't wait to visit Morrison's car park on Makerfield Way..Higher Ince..why...I was on nights with my accomplice (Non Driver)...and it was Snowing...about 2am after taking our refs (Refreshment Break) I said to accomplice...reet...were off to Morrisons Car Park ..What for he said..."I'll Show thi". A massive car park without barriers...ideal for "Handbrake turns" in our Little Ford Fiesta. We had several skids and swirls...having a Jolly time...reet I said...one last Buggy....started off near Joe Threlfalls (RIP) house...got to roughly 20mph and yanked the handbrake and getting a full lock in....like Blackpool pleasure beach ride ..Marvellous...after about the tenth Pirouette my gaze was directed to a faint outline...WTF is that I said .....Wallop...a snow covered shopping Trolley right at the end of my slalom. Oh S*** I said...on resuming stability....broken headlight..dent in bonnet. High jump for me Lad I said...crept back to police station and fully admitted to my Sgt what I had done ...thanks for being honest he says...I can write this one off due to the weather conditions...After many apologies to my Sgt..I drove the car to Wigan HQ to defect the vehicle and left by the garage for subsequent repairs. . Beltin...got off with that one.... 4am. Summoned to Ince nick (Walking back from DHQ) got back at 5am to be met by Duty Inspector...Asked me was my account of the accident truthful and had I properly informed my Sgt if what I had done.. "Yes Sir...conducting property checks and due to poor visibility I accidently collided with a snow covered shopping trolley" Inspector asks me..was you aware that all vehicles were grounded at midnight due to the adverse weather conditions ? No Sir....A broadcast on the Radio was made at midnight...you and your Sgt will face the Chief Superintendent aTomorrow. We all must have missed that broadcast....as we were having a pint at the time in the Dover Lock Pub...

Thanks, Tom and Mr Biker. Two more funny tales. Love it.
More please.

Thanks to everyone who have made positive comments to this thread. This is meant to be a fun thread, so negativity is unnecessary. So say summat nice, or nowt at all.

So you find a story about a policeman who admits to having had a drink on duty then proceeding to damage a police car whilst doing handbrake turns on an icy car park then lying to a superior officer amusing, eh, Mollie?
Takes all sorts I suppose.

whilst putting a plug on some electric cable i put the wires in my mouth to bite a bit of plastic of the cable not realising the other end was plugged into the mains!!

Ha ha Mollie..more to come

A quickie..On HMS ANDROMEDA.. 1977.. me and my late brother served 3 yrs together on the same ship..he was a stoker..I was a radio operator..on a trip to Hull .we had a run ashore...ending up with a Chinese meal and about 15 bottles of wine..we made our way back to the ships berth and then jumped into the dock all 10 of us..we clambered the harbour ladder to be met by the officer of the day...he wasn't impressed...next day we all appeared before the captain to be denied shore leave...and extra punishment for our adventures...

On our trips to Hull, we often called at Ferrybridge Services and had a full English and cup of tea!

WTF U on about El Tonko ?

Trips to Hull ! Clearly !

Motorbike Racing

I went out for a Chinese meal in Manchester one Chinese New Year, and woke up the next day in Hong Kong
But it's a loooooong story!

Don't Chinese restaurants close for the Chinese new year?

They do in China. Not known them to in Manc.

Mollie, I'm not trying to spoil this thread but, as you know the man with wooden yed and wooden legs is posting ,,,is he adding interest or just doing his usual stuff ? If its worth reading I might take a look thats all.

Tom, it's hilarious!

How do you rate the food at Ferrybridge, Tonker?

I have only ever stopped there for coffee, just to ward of any sleepiness.

Have not been a fan of motorway services, more a "Just off the Motorway" type.

Wonder if I am missing out, read recently that a couple of M6 diners I think one in Cumbria and one the Midlands apparently have a good reputation.

You've not convinced me Tonks, you'll never get a good taste from a lemon,

Ena, Tonker might be talking 1970's when motorway service's had, transport cafe's where the drivers got good jack bit at a reasonable price, thats all finished now,,,,

I think it was in the 1970's that I last had a meal in a motorway services. I think it was in the transport drivers bit, at Keele. But is a long time back to remember, so don't hold me to that. Sad though they have gone. What has replaced them for commercial drivers?

Did go into one, somewhere in South West in early 1980's: we walked out. The food was foul. Never dined in one again since.

anyrode,, back on topic, Sometimes you do things in earnest not knowing it will seem daft to other folks and early in my first job i got a good bollokin' for doing what i thought was right,
I was 16 and my first full time job was a butchers lad, I rode a bike with a front basket on like Grandville in, 'open all hours', I took orders from round Wigan and delivered the orders during the day and, in the afternoon my job was cleaning, In butchery Cleanliness is paramount, I had to scrub the chopping blocks, clean all surfaces, counters, trays and floors, I did't like that so much but, it was part of the job and I was eager to impress the Boss, Now the Boss was Mr Sawbridge he lived in Blackpool was a posh bloke to me and one day when i was, at a loose end went into his office to clean up and saw his tea cup, It was minging and so I took it into the kitchen and cleaned it, I gave it a good scrubbing and brought it up to looking brand new, I thought he would be pleased but, When he went in his office and saw it, he hit the roof,,,,Who the F*^£ has tampered with my cup, I heard him say, After a calming down period, I learned that some people, and Mr Sawbridge was one, like a teacup coated in stale teastains,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Well, here we go....

Yet another footwear related story from the 1970's

The year 1970, I was living in Putney, (South West London), at the top of a long hill. It is named West Hill, (The A3). It runs from Wimbledon Common/ Putney Heath, and merges with Upper Richmond Road, which was The South Circular Road, for last third of a mile down to Wandsworth Town Centre.

Now you may have heard of London clay, it has has been much mentioned on TV in respect of tunnel boring, archaeology finds etc.

Even in London, I was a keen gardener, and that clay-based soil used to build up into heavy clumps on gardening shoes. Furthermore, it would quickly rot leather as it held water and prevented leather from adequately drying.

My grandad lived in Holland. He experienced similar difficulties, but the solution: Dutch Clogs, which I inherited.



All wood: could scrape of garden soil easily, did not readily rot, and rigid: a big help when using foot on spade/garden fork, plus offered inherent toe protection.

Brilliant, though a little difficult to don and doff them.

One day busy gardening when I decided that I wanted something from the garden shop down in Wandsworth town centre. (No longer recall what it was)

So, off I set down West Hill. I became concerned that I would not make it in time before the shop closed, and as I came to the junction with Upper Richmond Road, I chased a bus that was just pulling away from the bus stop. (The old 'Routemaster' style)



Well, I took a headlong dive, and managed to grab that vertical post on the platform, swung myself around it, and as I looked back......

There on the pavement was my clogs, without me in them. I had leapt right out of my clogs.

And I had to leap right back, barefoot , to retrieve them before anyone half-inched them.

Some more good stories there, but let's keep on topic folks.

To those of you that have nothing better to do than try to air your juvenile petty squabbles, go somewhere else, and start a Playpen thread where you can all have a free for all and stop trying to ruin my thread and, before anybody says anything, I'm on nobody's side - just my own! This is about daft things people have done, rightly or wrongly, and I judge nobody as it's not my place. Please give me the respect I would give to you!

Well said Mollie, reet then, This daft thing was done by my Daughter in Law's Dad not me,
My Son who lives in Canada has a house surrounded by trees and waters so in Summer midges are a nuisance especially at night and with the barbie going they are attracted to us humans and feed off us, So Jeff the D I L's father goes down to the Indian village and asks in the shop how the natives cope and, the store owner says, Kimosabie, you need to use the cheap mouthwash, the one with plenty alcohol, that will kill them, So Jeff buys a bottle of the cheap mouthwash and thanks Tonto and that night, he does the 'Henry Cooper' and splashes it all over, The following morning he is bitten from head to toe in Mozzie bites, his face, hands, legs and body are full of bites, The mozzies had a party on him, So he trots off to the Indian store to have a go at Tonto and he's rantin' and ravin' and clearly been severely attacked so, Tonto asks, What did you do? Jeff explained he , splashed it all over and Tonto laughed, He said, No no no no, you do not splash it all over, You should pour it in a bowl, It attracts the mozzies and they drink it and die, What you have done is made you whole body a magnet to every Mossie in Canada,,

Nuther Poleece occurrence..At springview nick near springs branch sidings (Railway) a lot of thieving was going on with bronze brake fittings being thieved from old carriage stock...me and 1 other laid a plan to nab these thieves in the act. One Sunday morning we boarded a brake van on the sidings...we stoked the fire...set our flasks and butties out and lied in wait for the tea-leaves. Two hours passed, one or two local undesirables were seen in the area but nothing criminal occurred...scoffing our butties we said..give it another hour...Suddenly "Clunk" ..WTF 1 other said.. and in no time the carriages which had not moved for 6 months were chugging towards the northern line...panic ..collect our tranklements ASAP and bail out...it was like a scene from Indiana Jones...travelling now about 20 mph...we jumped...landed like a pair of numpties into brambles and nettles...we got to our feet. 1 other said...don't say **** *** to anybody bout this...we saw the brake van disappearing into the distance with smoke bellowing from the stack.. Priceless .

Got wed to my first two ex wives....